Thursday, October 8, 2009

Why Indians don't need to fix a match?

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Indians are honest people.
A bookie calls Hansie Cronje before the match between India and South Africa.
Cell phone rings. Hansie picks up.

Cronje : hello
Bookie : I am ....... Here.
Cronje : yes tell me

Bookie : how is the pitch
Cronje : ya dry and good for batting
Bookie : I want u to loose today's match

Cronje : impossible
Bookie : I will pay u $200,000
Cronje : will be difficult to make India win.

Bookie : I will pay u $250,000
Cronje : May be I could help you by reducing the margin... u tell by what margin we should win... will be much more easier

Bookie : no India should win
Cronje : OK. I will try my best
Bookie : no make it.
Cronje : OK.

Bookie : what will be the score
Cronje : 300, if we bat first
Bookie : no make it 220
Cronje : Impossible. Agarkar and Joshi are playing.

Bookie : 220 no change.
Cronje : I will try
Bookie : OK. If India bat first
Cronje : 180

Bookie : no make it 275
Cronje : no u are asking too much. Dravid is playing.
Bookie : OK make it $300,000

Cronje : This would be the toughest match in my life
Bookie : OK, deal is made.
Cronje : yes
Bookie : bye.

Match starts India bats first. India score only 220 in 50 overs. During the lunch break Hansie's cell rings.

Cronje : hello
Bookie : its me. why did India score only 220. Our deal was 275.
Cronje : What can I do ? They run one when they could run three, defend full toss, get out on wide balls, all catches and shots...I mean, if there is any... exactly directed to the fielders. But I will tell you this, Indians are too good at this,I tried re-arranging the field...but they never miss a fielder.

Bookie : still u could bowl more no-balls. We got only 63 extras.
Cronje : I asked all my bowlers to bowl badly. I also made Kirsten and Gibbs bowl.
Bookie : Okay... leave that... I want u to loose the match.

Cronje : I will try.
Bookie : South Africa should be all out for 180
Cronje : OK.
Bookie : bye.

S. Africa bats. They are making a serious attempt to not hit the ball and if at all they hit trying their best to hit to the fielders. They try to run only singles for doubles. But sometimes, they can't stop themselves from running. All South African batsmen charged down to Joshi's bowling and they purposely miss the ball hoping at least one would hit the stumps. But they got to run a bye for that as Dighe is still searching for the ball. Inspite of the bad display of batting, they score 218 of 49 overs.

Last over, 3 runs required, the worst part is that its an Agarkar over. Hansie is batting with Strydom. Bookie gets really furious. Hansie is ready to face the last over his cell rings (he plays with his cell).

Cronje : hello
Bookie : its me. What are you upto ?
Cronje : We tried the best we could
Bookie : OK forget it. I want u to loose the match

Cronje : what can I do. Fate !!! Agarkar is bowling
Bookie : I don't know... u are loosing

Agarkar bowls... Hansie tries to hide his bat behind his back. But the ball hits the bat and goes to third man. So they take a single.

(cell rings)
Cronje : sorry what can I do I was hiding my bat but still the ball comes and hit my bat. If I play much worse than this everybody will find out.

Bookie : (gets really tensed). OK I can understand. But please don't take last two run

Hansie talks to Strydom. Agarkar bowls... a juicy full toss. Strydom uses all his batting skills to restrict that one to a single. Scores are level (cell rings) .

Bookie : OK. Past is past. Atleast finish it in a tie. I don't know what u are going to do u are not taking a single or u give u'r bat to the umpire.

Cronje : OK. OK. Don't worry this time I will see to it we are not taking the single. Let it be obvious also. I am not taking the single. Agarkar bowls, unfortunately he bowls a no ball. South Africa wins the match. Bookie goes mad and Hansie faints in the field itself.

Moral : Indians don't need to fix a match.

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Management lesson .... very funny

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Management Lesson
nice jOke

Once Sonia Gandhi, L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an auto rickshaw, they met with an accident and all three of them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks Mrs GANDHI and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.

Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.

Mrs GANDHI is asked to spell "INDIA" and she does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes.

It is Laloo’s turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".

Laloo protests that he doesn’t know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).

Mrs GANDHI is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". She writes it easily and passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.... ."
Tough one. He fails again.

Laloo is extre mely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history.

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.

Mrs GANDHI is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". She replied "1947" and passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?"
He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It’s Laloo’s turn now.


Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story:

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A First Class Manager (FCM)

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A First Class Manager (FCM) is going thru' a forest
one evening when his car breaks down. He looks
around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door
which is opened by a stunning woman.

FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?

Woman: Well. I live alone.

FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I got only one bed.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I go to bed naked.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: Be my guest, FCM.

Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.

FCM: Good birds you got there.

Woman: Yeah.

FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?

Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock..

FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.

Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class managers.

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Jokes time....

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Father watching FTV

suddenly son came,

Father says garib ladkiyan hai kapday lenay
kay liya paise nahi hai

Son replies: Isse bhi garib aaya to mujay bula lena.

"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."

"What happened?" "She said she wasn't
going to speak to me for 30 days."

"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."

A man received a letter from some kidnappers.
The letter said, "If you don't promise to send
us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."

The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my
promise but I hope you will keep yours."


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Damn Fine Explanation for Cheating on Wife ...

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

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