Funny Interview

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Four guys, from Harvard, Yale, MIT and SANTA SINGH from Punjab
University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job. One common
Question was asked to all 4 of them.


INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy : It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in
Your mind.

MIT guy : Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked


SANTA SINGH : Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER : (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
Worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!


Bolo tarara.....

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A Tribute To Software Engineer.................

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Apne Project ke bojh tale daba jaa raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,
zindagi se hara hua hai, par "Bugs" se haar nahi manata,
Apne application ki ek ek line ise rati hui hai,
par aaj kaun se rang ke moje pehne hain , ye nahi janata,
din par din ek excel file banata ja raha hai
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,
das hazaar line ke code main error dhoond lete hain lekin,
majboor dost ki ankhon ki nami dikhayi nahi deti,
pc pe hazaar windows khuli hain,
par dil ki khidki pe koi dastak sunayi nahi deti,
satuday-sunday nahata nahi, week days ko naha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,
Coding karte karte pata hi nahi chala,
bugs ki priority kab maa-baap se high ho gayi,
kitabon main gulab rakhne wala ,
cigerette ke dhuyen main kho gaya,
dil ki zameen se armaanon ki vidayi ho gayi,
weekends pe daroo peke jo jashna mana raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,
maze lena ho iske to pooch lo,
"Salary Increment" ki party kab dila rahe ho,
hansi udana ho to pooch lo, "Onsite" kab ja rahe ho?
wo dekho onsite se laute team-mate ki chocolates kha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,
kharche badh rahe hain, baal kam ho rahe hain,
KRA ki date ati nahi, Income Tax ke sitam ho rahe hain,
lo phir se bus choot gayi, Auto se aa raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,
Pizza gale se nahi utarta, to "Coke" ke sahare nigal liya jata hai,
office ki "Thali" dekh munh hai bigadta,
maa ke hath ka wo khana baar roz yaad ata hai,
"Sprout bhel" bani hai phir bhi, free "Evening Snacks" kha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,
aapne ab tak li hongi bahut si chutikiya,
Software engg. ke jivan ka sach batati ye akhri kuch panktiyan,
hazaron ki tankhwah wala, company ki karodon ki jeb bharta hai,
software engg. wahi ban sakta hai, jo lohe ka jigar rakhta hai,
hum log jee jee ke marte hain , zindagi hai kuch aisi,
ek fauj ki naukri, doosri software engg. ki , dono ek jaisi,
Wo

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Few Jokes

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Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!


Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love


Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!


Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me, Sir.


Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Ah Kow: No comb, Sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.


A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?"
" They are all below 'C' (sea) level!"

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Sardar Jokes

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Dont mind if anybody is sardar is reading this

Just a joke !!!

Once a sardar was looking at a WANTED poster & was wondering -

Saala wanted tha to photo kheenchne ke baad use jaane kyon diya ?
*************


Sardar car ki battery change karwane gaya ...

Mechanic - Sahab, Exide ki daal doon ?

Sardar - Nahin yaar, dono side ki daal de, warna phir problem hogi.

*************

A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question
-

Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?

Sardar - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

*************

A Sardar was fond of detective novels, he always read from the middle, why ?

Its double interesting. It builds curiosity not only about its end but also

its beginning !



*************

Sardar returns book to library, bangs it on table & says - What a shit ?
"I

read the whole book, too many character, no story at all" ?.

Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory....

*************

2 Days of Powercut in India made life miserable. Worst affected was Amritsar

where all the SARDARS were stuck for 48 hrs. on Escalaters.....
*************


Two Sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other

to check whether it is working.

He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO

*************

Sardarji, tell me ...., what is the meaning of SMS ?

Sardar angrily said, i know -

it means....

S - Sardaron ke

M - Mazak udane ki

S - Service

*************

Banta : Oye to har SMS ko do baar kyom bhej raha hai ?

Santa : Kyunki tujhe agar ek forward karna ho to dusra tere paas rahe !!! *************

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Cool Pics

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Western Toilet for Elephants

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Teacher & Student

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Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.


Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students




Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE




Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday


Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!


Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.





Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

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YOU A FORTUNE

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Father to son after exam: "let me see your report
card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare
his parents."



============
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"


Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."


Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were
you before you married her?"


Millionaire: " Billionaire"


======
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours
forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
hahahahaha


=====
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in
me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I
like your sense of humor.

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LOVE SONG BY A SOFTWARE ENGINEER

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Kal jab mile thhe....
to dil mein hua ek sound.
Aur aaj mile to kehte hain...
your FILE NOT FOUND!
------------ --------- ---------
Jo muddat se hota aaya hai,
woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to apni zindagi
CTRL+ALT+ DEL kar doonga...
------------ --------- ---------
Shayad mere pyar ko
taste karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya
ke PASTE karna bhool gaye....
------------ --------- ---------
Laakhon honge nigaah mein
kabhi mujhe bhi pick karo...
Mere pyaar ke icon pe
kabhi to DOUBLE CLICK karo...
------------ --------- ---------
Roz subha hum karte hain
pyar se unhe good morning...
Woh aise ghoor ke dekti hain
jaise 0 ERRORS aur 5 WARNING...
------------ --------- ---------
Aisa bhi nahin hai ke
I don't like your face.
Par dil ke storage mein
No more DISK SPACE.
------------ --------- ---------
Ghar se jab tum nikale
pehen ke reshmi gown.
Jaane kitne dilon ka
ho gaya SERVER DOWN

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Types of marketing

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1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him."
That's Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me ".
That's Telemarketing

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?"
That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?"
That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
That's demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him
That's competition eating into your market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives.
That's restriction for entering new markets.

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ME and MY BOSS

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When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough


When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,


When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,


When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.


When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.


When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.


When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked


When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

Strange but True

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Shayari - Arzz hai

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Arzz hai



Hawa mein bindas ud raha tha galib?????????.

Wah Wah..... Wah Wah


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Hawa mein Aazad ud raha tha galib?????????.
Bahot Khub......



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Hawa mein bettab ud raha tha galib?????????.
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......Aage bhi to bolo....

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Ruk gayi hawa

Gir gaya galib....... ???????

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Great Bear Festival

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After the Great Beer Festival in London, all the brewery bosses decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor! I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender serves him.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery bosses look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Kingfisher?"

"Well," says the Kingfisher Brewery Boss, "if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I!"

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'ism' for Differnet companies

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	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy INFOSYSism You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy PATNIism You have 10 cows. You make them work so that they give milk of 100 cows More

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy WIPROism GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy DELLism Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy IBMism You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy MICROSOFTism You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy SUNism You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy ORACLEism You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy SAPism You don't have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy APPLEism You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy SONYism You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy CITIBANKism Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.

	Some emerging "isms" of the new economy HPism You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy GEism You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy RELIANCEism You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

	Emerging 'isms' of the new economy TATAism You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow. More

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A Management Story told at IIM, Ahmedabad; Something worth knowing

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Story # 1

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave,
lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"

Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will
only destroy it even more"

Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws
cannot fix complicated watches"

Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the
watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion
continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way
that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV"

Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly
fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene :

Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and
intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work
with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion
looking very pleased with himself.

Moral :

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS
SUBORDINATES.

Management Lesson

In the context of the working world :

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK
OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Story # 2

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his
burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a
walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing
on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns
by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd ! "

Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral:

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM
YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.

Management Lesson :

In the context of the working world:

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER
YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT.

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Nice Quotes - worth reading (dnt miss)

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Forgiving or punishing
the terrorists
is left to God.
But,
fixing their appointment
with God
is our responsibility
- Indian Army


Updated statement for this in S/w industry...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Forgiving or punishing
the Developer
is left to Manager.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Manager
is our responsibility

-Tester



We all knew that..... but this one is damn good..


Forgiving or punishing
the Manager
is left to Client.
But,
fixing their appointment
with Client
is our responsibility

- Developer

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Test How much questions you can answer correctly?

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Little Roby's Test

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Roby what is your problem?" Roby answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough.
She took Roby to the principal's office.
While Roby waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Roby was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Roby: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Roby: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Roby can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Roby both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Roby, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Roby replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Roby: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Roby: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Roby was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Roby: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Roby: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Roby: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Roby: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Roby: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Roby: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Roby: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Roby: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Roby in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

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Fully Faltoo

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Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata hain.Uska Naam kya hai?

• Adidas.

Ab thoda maths ho jaaye.

According to new research,
3 +3 = 8
Kaise...............socho socho

• Very simple …… ...... . .... Galti se !!!!

In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and
the water level of the pond increases. How?
.................

• A - The other 9 fish are crying

Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each other and want
to get married, but cannot.Why?

• Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is illegal.

One day a man is sitting in the jungle under a tree and a ‘sparrow' sits
on his shoulder, and the man dies. Why ?

• Ans. Because ‘sparrow' was the name of an elephant.

10 Ants are walking on a road. 9 are black. 1 is white. Why ?

• One of them is a widow

What are the three versions of JAVA software?

• 1.) Mar JAVA
• 2.) Mit JAVA
• 3.) Kar JAVA

Srinath gives a Pepsi bottle to Kumble And Kumble gives it to Sehwag.
Why ?

• Because Sehwag is the Opener.

Hare and Tortoise appear for IIT. Hare gets 95% and Tortoise gets
84%. Tortoise gets into IIT and the Hare does not. How?

• Sports Quota

Once an Auto rickshaw driver goes into NO ENTRY. The Police does
not catch him. Why?

• Ans. Because he was walking.

What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....?

• Hasi na.

What wud u call a Gal who always pushes her father ....?

• Push pa.

ELEPHANT-BANANA Series
An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat
the bananas. Why ?

• Because the bananas are made of plastic.

The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?

• Because the elephant is made of plastic.

Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.
Why ?

• Because the bananas are in the TV.

Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it
cannot eat it. Why?

• Because they are on different channels.

Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the
same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?

• Because the TV is off.

Once a cockroach was singing a song TERA TERA TERA SUROOR while he was walking on the
road. But all of a sudden he died. Why?

• B'coz the song he was singing is a HIT!!!

Shahrukh khan ka plural?

• ICICI Bank
• Why?
• Coz Shahrukh says - Main hoon naa!
• ICICI says - Hum hain naa!

What will you call a person who is departing from India?

• Hindustan Lever

Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?

• Aamir Khan

Ek Sardar paani ke andar rehta hain, toh uska naam kya rahega?

• Jal-andar Singh

Abhi agar woh paani ke bahar aa jaaye ,toh uska naam kya hoga?

• soch maat. Paani se bahar aane ke baad naam kaise change hoga!

What is the Center of Gravity?

• its V .............. the center of "gra V ity.

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