Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Enjoy Lots of Jokes collections

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A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The Project Manager calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 2.00pm"

Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first"


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is
a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or
not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right
Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he
get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When
he drove, people prayed."

Moral: It's Performance, Not Position that Counts ....!!


Identify the situation :

1. "We will do it" means " You will do it"

2. "You have done a great job" means " More work to be given to you"

3. "We are working on it" means " We have not yet started working on the same"

4. "Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means" Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!".

5. "After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6. "There was a slight miscommunication" means" We had actually lied"

7. "Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8. "We can always do it" means " We actually cannot do the same on time"

9. "We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means " The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10. We had slight differences of opinion" means "We had actually fought"

11. Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means" Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12. You should have told me earlier" means" Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13. "We need to find out the real reason" means" Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14. Well Family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means," Well you know..."

15. We are a team," means," I am not the only one to be blamed"

16. That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17. "All the Best" means" You are in trouble


Yamraj took man to Narak, he saw Gandhi dancing with Bipasha, man asked yamraj, Gandhi ki saza itni mazedarkyun? Yamraj: saza to Bipasa ko hui hai


Ek gadha:- yaar mera malik mujhe bahut maarta hai.
Dusara gadha:- to tu bhag kyu nahi jata.
Pehla Gadha:- bhag to jata par yahan future bada bright hai ... malik ki khoobsoorat beti jab shararat karti hai to malik kahta hai, "teri shadi gadhe se kar dunga...!" bas isi ummeed me baitha hoon.


ways to propose her ............ (at your own risk!!!)

1. (Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like gun into her back)

"You're under arrest!"

(For what?)

"For stealing my heart."

2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

3. are your legs tired?

( girl: Why?)

because you have been running through my mind all day!

4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

5. Can you give me directions to your heart?

I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes

6. (Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt,jacket, etc.)

She would say,"What are doing"

respond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven."

7. (Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.)

"I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are."

8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

9. Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from Greece?"

"No" he answers.

"Oh, I thought all the gods were from Greece"

10. I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek,and die on your lips.

11. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

12. Are you lost?

'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

13. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

14. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

15. Do you have a map?

I just got lost in your eyes.

16. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.

17. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.


Top 10 Heights*

1. What is height of Fashion?
A. Dhoti with a zip

2. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.

3. What is height of Activelaziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

5. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.


Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : Thats nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.

Question 2: You are traveling on an electric train north. The wind is headed south,
against you. You make two 45 degree left-turns. The wind doesn't change directions, and the
track doesn't twist. When you're about to stop at your destination, what direction is the smoke

from the train blowing, if
the wind speed is stronger than the train's speed?

Answer: Nowhere. An electric train doesn't blow steam.


Question 3: You and your family drive from your home in South Carolina (which is a state on
the east coast for those of you who aren't familiar with the location of states in our country) to

the beach. That takes you about an hour, as you don't live too far away. You and your family
sit on the beach, waiting for the sunset. It doesn't come. There is nothing blocking your view of
the ocean. You don't look the other way or close your eyes. There isn't some once-in-a-blue-
moon eclipse or something that is affecting the sunset. Why don't you see it?

Answer: The sun sets in the west for those of you checking your compases.



Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of good.

Sardar : Bad.

Interviewer : Come.

Sardar : Go.

Interviewer : Ugly.

Sardar : Pichlli.

Interviewer : U G L Y?

Sardar : PICHLLY !!!!!!!

Interviewer : Shut Up.

Sardar : Keep Talking.

Interviewer : Get Out.

Sardar : Come In.

Interviewer : Oh my God.

Sardar : Oh my Devil.

Interviewer : U r Rejected.

Sardar : I am Selected. BALLE BALLLE.


Here is something interesting. ..

Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.

(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)

Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero : OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero : Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.


Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can’t be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara

Wrong Number


Call an unknown phone no - Ramesh hai kya?
She will say " No wrong number".

Again call after five min "Ramesh hai kya"
She will be reasonably annoyed "no this is wrong number".

Again call "Ramesh aaya kya"?
She will say "apka dimag kharab hai kya? kyon piche pade ho?

Again call after five min " Ramesh ko phone dena.
She will cry with all galis.
You just drop the phone.

Call after another five min "Main Ramesh bol raha hun, Mera koi phone to nahi aya na?

Traffic Light


The traffic policeman stopped the car driver for crossing the traffic signal on a red.

’Didn’t you see the red light?’ Growled the policeman.

’Yes i did’, replied the driver, ’But I didn’t see you!’

Manmohan Singh & Bush


Manmohan Singh – We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush – Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100- 25 - OBC, 25 - SC, 20 - ST, 5 - Handicapped, 5 - Sports Persons ,5 - Terrorist Affected, 5 - Kashmiri Migrants, 9 - Politicians, and if possible 1 – Astronaut

Teacher to Sardar " Where were U born?
Sardar : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Sardar : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.


Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..


Sardar complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Sardar : I was watching TV na....


If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?


Tihar Jail ordered 999 Shirts and 1000 Pants for its inmates.
Tell why this odd combination?

Answer : Bcos SALMAN KHAN is coming and He hardly wear SHIRTs!!!

When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!

Whats the height of Intelligence?

Answer : A 99 year old Sardar going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ...


Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER..... ...using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

another deadly answer. Scroll down a little


Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down.
Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)

"TIP TIP barsa Pani.

Pani ne aag lagayee."

us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".

If that was not enough even uptill now, one more deadly answer.... scroll down

Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & "jalney lagega"




Searching for m e... ..I am also searching for the person who sent it to me!!!

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.......A beggar came along and asked him
for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the
beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized
that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some
Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar,
"I do not have money, But if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will
certainly help you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea".
He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar,
"Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some
tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved !! and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man,
"Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied.................................................









"My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."


Few Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that
you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when


Recent News Headlines : Softdrinks Contain Dangerous Pestcides.
Insan to newspaper padh sakte hain par janwaro ka
kya hoga kyonki…. Aaj kal CHEETAH BHI PEETA HAI !
HA HA HA!!!!

Jab mhe dekhu my dil start flying
mse bat kare tho I keep trying
jab door jaye I fell like crying
are itna tension mat le I was joking………..
HE HE HE!!!!

Teri gali whicho langaa ge jaan-jaan ke,
saanu pata ae ki tu Thane report likhvayi hoyi ae,
jaa ke puch layi tu Thanedaar nu,
assi ohdi vi kudi fasayi hoyi ae!!!
Sahi kaha bhidu.

Tez Hawa Ka Jhonka Aaya
Saath Main Teri Khushboo Laya
Tabhi Mere Dil Main Khayal Aaya
Mera Dost Aaj Bhi Nahin Nahaya
............ .ROZ KYU NAHI NAHATE HO???

when i was born the devil said oh no !another angel!
but when u were born the devil said aaillla !!competition! !

Ye exam ke rishte bhi ajib hote hai,
sab apne apne naseeb hote hai,
rahte hain jo nigahon se dur,
sale wahi question paper me compulsory hote hai

Roz logo se tere pange honge
ghar mein tere roz dunge honge
agar tum bhul se sms nahi karoge to
tere saare bacche Gange honge

dil meain basi hai tasveer tari
dil meain basi hai tasveer tari
jab yaad ati hai teri
tab hum dekhte hai tom n jerry……

10 things i LIKE abt u
1. U r the special person with a beautiful HEART.
Aik din k liye aik jhoot kaafi hai na !

when things go wrong & when sadness fill ur heart & when tears flow frm ur eyes, juz let me noe, coz i wana b there 4 u. i m selling TISSUE. BUY 1 GET 1 FREE


Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao),L.K.Advani and LalooPrasadYadav were
travelling in an CAR. They met with an accident and all three of them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks
PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.But,for Laloo,Yama had already
decided that he should be sent to HELL.

Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why
this discrimination .All the three of them had served the
public. Similarly, all took bribes,misused public positions,etc.
Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be a
formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made;and
not just based on opinion or pre conceived notions.

Yama agrees to this

PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA "and he does it correctly.
Advani " ENGLAND "and he too pass.
Laloo is asked " CZECHOSLOVAKIA "

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.this is not fair
and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with
false intent.

Yama agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another
chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide
an equal platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He pass.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He pass.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....."
Tough one. He fails again.

Laloo is unhappy. Having been a student of history,
he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a
test in history

PVNR :"When did India get Independence ?".He replied"1947"
and pass.

Advani :"How many people died during the independence
struggle?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3
options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.Advani catches it and says
200,000 and pass.

It's Laloo's turn now.Yama asks him the Name and Address of
each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. Laloo accepts defeat and
agrees to go to HELL.



H.O.L.L.A.N. D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.

I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.

L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.

B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.

N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.

I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.

K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction

K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.

E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!

M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

P.E.R.U. - Phorget Everyone... Remember Us.

T.H.A.I.L.A. N.D - Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull

An impossible wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
She means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly

The Lord replied, "You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?"


American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.
Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.

Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab .
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.

Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler

Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Don't worry, I have a one more.

Doctor to patient (sardar) : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient (Sardar) : Yes. A good doctor.

On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him, "Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring?"
Sardar : "Ya sure, from landline or mobile".

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked "what you did till evening?"
Sardar :"Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright"


What is a girl friend?

Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls . These are the world's largest

waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20

supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara


Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



What's the definition of lawyer?

The larval form of a politician

Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"

How do you recognize a Sardar in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the

weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.

After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. "

When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?

(What Happened, My Son?)

The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )

aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .

because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died

'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari

nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha

hai ki Reliance mai Job.

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?

A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other

ensures U

Continue to do so.

Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne


Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.

.How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard &

comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo

ta ra ra.

A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess

what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.

Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an

hour ..?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character

thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya


Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki


fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.

Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a

Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher


Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a

Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher



Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....

Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??

Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??

Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!


Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

I was testing the children

in my Sunday school class

to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale

and gave all my money

to the church,

Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day,

mowed the yard,

and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals

and gave candy

to all the children,

and loved my husband,

would that get me into Heaven?"

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,



A real scene in a DIVORCE COURT......

The Judge asks the little girl :
Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with
your mummy ?

Little Girl.- No, my mummy beats me.

Judge.- Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy ?

Little Girl.- No, my daddy beats me too.

Judge.- Well then, who do you want to live with ???

Little Girl.- I want to live with the INDIAN CRICKET TEAM, they never
beats anybody !!!

hoOOOo hAAAaaa INDIA, HAR GAYA india!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level
of the pond increases. How?

Think...........try it

Yes you can

No??? Cmon..

Can't answer..........scroll down

... scroll

A - The other 9 fish are crying.................


Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) : Phulwa, RaamPyaari,
RaamDulari,RaamPuri and RaamChuri were crawling on the wall when
all of a sudden, Phulwa started to sing a song. The moment Phulwa
stopped singing the song, RaamPyaari,RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri
fell down from the wall !!!... WHY ???

scroll down for answer. . . . . . . . .

not getting, very simple

coz, they all started clapping !!!!


Ek Aur PJ Isse kehte hain.........

Gattu ek lecture attend karta hai.
lecture ke baad use bhookh lagti hai.
so he goes to the canteen.
canteen mein gattu ek pav leta hai. jaise hi woh pav khane ke
uthata hai to dekhta hai ki uski plate mein "jannat" likha hai. To
janaab ab aapko yeh batana hai ki gattu jiska lecture attend karke
aa raha hai! , us professor ka naam kya hai???


scroll down for the answer

The answer is :Ishq Ki Chhaon.

Jinke "Sir" ho "Ishq ki Chhaon"
"Pav" ke neeche "Jannat" hogi....

Don't scratch ur head, this is a song from the film "Dil Se"

One More

What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....?
- ...and the Answer

Scroll down.

Just One Scroll ..


Whatz a PJ ?
Obviously "a poor joke"

Whatz a (P + i J)?

- A "complex poor joke"

Why don't people laugh on a "complex poor joke" ?

scroll down for answer.......

Bcoz the joke part of it is


Which is the 27th Letter of English Alphabet ??

R u looking for the answer ??

Very Good ..

Which School ..???



1) Captain (P-001),
2) Vice Captain (P-002),
3) Coach (P-003) and
4) Team Members (P-004)

Eligibility Criteria

We are looking for Audience who have consistently watched all the world cup matches and who have scored over 65 runs in Room Cricket & Street Cricket

Experience in Football, Volley ball is an added advantage ....

Models, Actors (Advertisements) are most preferable.....

LKG & UKG Teachers are preferable for the post of coach.

Selection Process

1. Batting Test (Vs Bermuda) (Candidate must score at least 50 runs )
2. Bowling/Fielding Test (Candidate should not bowl more than 3 wides /no balls in an Over)
3 . HR Interview

(Candidates will be called upon for the selection process based on the Eligibility Criteria)

Send ur resumes with subject Name/Post/Max runs scored E.g. Dhoni/P-004/37 to callforcric@bcci.com

Venue : YMCA Grounds , nandanam
Natesan Park , T.Nagar

Date: 01-Apr-2007

Reference Books:

1) " You can become batsman" by Munaf Patel
2) "Cricket in 21 days " by Sidhu
3) "How to WIN Worldcup " by Inzamam
4) "What to do when ur house was destroyed? " by Dhoni


Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in
this case. You
see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can
keep it.

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
Son: That's why I say she's no good!


I like 3 things...........................



& you...*************************


Pizza to eat...***********

Pepsi to drink...***************

& you to clean the table.


A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the Living Room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow Droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s**t!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady

MORAL: Gather all resources before working on any project and Committing To the client...!!!


A letter has been sent from a husband:

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, your husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.

Your Sweet Heart.



Modern Love Application

Dearest Girl,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 1999. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 1999 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,


————————————————————Modern Reply of Modern Love Application

Dear Boy,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP' I shall be entertaining. In addition, o


A TC in a train collects fine from girls...

he collects Rs.300 from a girl-
she was wearing sleeveless.
from 2nd girl he collects Rs. 200
she was wearing sleeveless & backless.

>From 3rd girl he collects Rs. 100
she was wearing a sleeveless & backless &
a skimpy mini-skirt.. .

>From 4th girl he collects Rs. 0

perverted dirty minds !! what r u thinking??

she had a ticket !!!

Relationship Between Office & Bollywood Films

Pentium IV and Pentium III : Bade Miyan Chhote Miyan.

For an Employee who signs a Bond : Bandhan.

For an Employee who works Sincerely : Dil Se.

For an Employee who is ready to leave his Job : Doli Saja Ke Rakhna.

A Project having two Project Leader : Ek Phool Do Mali.

An Employee without Accommodation : Pardesi Babu.

Super User Password : Gupt.

An Employee who is in Company for more than Three Years : Amar Prem.

Bill Gates : Hum Se Badhkar Kaun.

An Employee on Probation : Paying Guest.

Ctrl + Alt + Del : Aakhri Raasta.

An Employee who frequently changes the Company : Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi.

Backup : Jagte Raho.

Dos & Windows : Do Raaste.

Internet : Door Gagan Ki Chhav Mein.

Opertator v/s Compter - Main Khiladi Tu Anadi.

Windows 2000 : Bade Dilwala.

Server : Godfather.

Interview : Muquabla.

A System infected by Virus : Pyar To Hona Hi Tha.

Anti Virus Kit : Soldier.

System without RAM : Kora Kagaz.



Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush thesecurity guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR" At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears frontpage of a newspaper.
GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left!"

Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient, " hestated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"


Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
If Men - earn money = Pigs
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Pigs

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Women = Pigs + spend
If, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs

Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wish all the pigs to be happy forever. ...thats Maths!!!


One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend.

His wife said, "You know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends!"


Who played a double role in SHOLAY? *

* *

* *


* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

*Aur socho yaar..*

* *

* *

* *

* *

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Ek ladka ek ladki k saath baitha tha. 2nd day doosri ladki k saath deha
gaya .
3rd day koi aur ladki thi. 4th day kisi nayi ladki ke saath tha
Moral: Ladkiyan badal jaati hain, ladke nahin badaltey

Aankho mein "SHARAFAT"
chaal main"NAJAKAT"
dil me"SACHCHAI"
aur chehre me"SAFAI"
Phir kyon na bole har ladki apko "BHAI" . . . . . . .

SANTA Gifted a Card to his Dad on his B'day with a Sher:"Phul to Bahut
he par Gulab Jesa Koi Nahi,Papa to Bahut hai Par Aap Jaisa Koi Nahi.*

Aayi thi meri qabr pe diya jalane ke liye.*
Pada hua tel bhi le gayi,
Tadka lagane ke liye...!!


Ghat jokes ( A little knowledge of Marathi might help )
Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian in the U.S.?
A : Western Ghat.

Q : What does a Maharashtrian mean by "fast food"?
A : Sabudana Khichdi.

Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian who makes air-conditioners?
A : Cool-karni.

Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian whose father is missing?
A : Ba-gul.

Q : What would you call Urmila in the role of a monkey?
A : Urmila MakkadTondkar.

Q : Which is the highest office occupied by Maharashtrians in the U.S.A.?
A : That of the Vice-President - Dan Quayle(Kale) & Al Gore. :



available@home- only.com


nowdays@no_use. com


only@test_match. com


admitted@hospital. com

5. KAIF:

good@for_nothing. com


consistently@ out_of_form. com


stick@crease_ like_fevicol. com


takewickets@ only_with_ keyna.com

9. Munaf Patel

only_line&length@nospeed. com

10. Harbhajan Singh

no_spinpitch@ nowicket. com

11. Suresh Raina

why_i_am_there@ god_knows. com


only_experiment@ noresult. com


Bihar Driving License...

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =======


------------ --------- --------- --------- --- ------------ --------- --

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.

If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.

For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.

1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

2. phust name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)
3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right


(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_)

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yourj: ___

9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no,leabe blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :


On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young
boy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such
a personal question, he replied, none the less,
"I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and
removed $ 6000.00 cash then gave it to the young man
and said:
"Around here I pay people for working, not for
standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months
'salary', now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of
Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset
"And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him,
"Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of,
"He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

He surprises... and walk away!!

Santa and Banta had just bought two horses.

Now the problem was that they could not differenciate between the two horses.
So, one day Santa cuts the left ear of his horse, so that it is easy to know that it is his horse.

While doing so, an enemy of Santa looks at him. This enemy also cuts the left ear of banta's horse. By doing so santa and banta came in confusion again.

So, next day santa keeps on cutting his horse's right ear, then his tail, then makes him blind and so on.

And the enemy also kept on doing so with banta's horse. At last Santa's horse had no legs left and banta's horse was with one leg only. The enemy went and cut banta's horse one leg also.

So, in the morning it was the same sitaution, How to diffrenciate their horses.
So, after thinking and putting lots of effort to their mind.

Santa said - O.K You keep the black one and i will keep the white..






The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that


"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back"


A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day
By driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking
The cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
The bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached
What he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?".
"Yes," the wife answers. " Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I
Need directions"


A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows: "My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the head of the family.

What I mean dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account. Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to control your son..


One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally,"
the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up
their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the
teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up
their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns
like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell
me. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested?"

Little Johnny in the back bench replied: "A teacher."

Baby Brother
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his
mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the
teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said "I
don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better
grades.somebody is going to get a spanking."


Once there was a cooking competion, there was an American, Italian and a

The Judges are taking their rounds and visit the American Kitchen they see
the American making Burgers and Fries, they are good but the Judges are
not very impressed.

Then they go to the Italian kitchen where they smell Pizza's and Pasta and
are quite impressed.

When they come to the Sardar's kitchen he is seen stirring something in a
large frying pan on a very large stove with a lot of smoke coming from the
pan. As the judges are unable to see what he is cooking they go closer to
take a look and they find the pan completely empty. They ask the Sardar
"Tusi Ki bana rahe ho?"

Sardar says "This is our national dish, Main ullu bana raha hoon"



wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna ( Bihar ).

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his
colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "Happy
event" happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...

The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the
wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, "What name will you give to the son?"

The man explained, "If its the second neighbour who has taken
care,then the name would be "DWIVEDI";

If it is the third neighbour then it would

If it is the fourth neighbour then it
would be "CHATURVEDI" ;

If its the fifth neighbour then it would
be "PANDEY"...

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours?
"Then the boy would be named "MISHRA"...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell
the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be "SHARMA"...

But what if she refuses to divulge the
name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be "GUPTA"...

If she does not remember the name then?
"It is YAAD-AV"

But who knows whether the child resulted
from a rape?
Then it will be named "DOSHI"...

Finally, if the child happened because
of wife's burning desire?
Then he will be named "JOSHI"...

And if the whole country had made efforts
for the happy arrival?....


If the Titanic was made in India.....

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship
2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree
and of course singing in the rain
3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"
4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive,
but the villian would die on the first dip
5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson
6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.
7) Himesh Reshammiya could not use his nose to sing as his nose would be
running due to the cold weather condition.

And last but not least

8) More Than Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC

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